Welcome to St. Peter’s Heaven e-queue. You are presently 1,524,589th in line. Kindly fill out the requested information on this courtesy iPad, and you will be admitted shortly.
Please log in to the portal by entering your heavenly username and password. (If you haven’t yet created an account, you should have thought of that before dying, shouldn’t you?)
The heavenly username that you entered isn’t in our system. Click “Forgot my heavenly username” and enter the e-mail address associated with the account, and we will send you your username.
We do have that e-mail address on file, but the associated account appears to have been compromised in a hack perpetrated by a previous applicant (Satan). Please create a new account using a different e-mail address by clicking here.
Choose a password. A secure password should contain a mix of lowercase letters, uppercase letters, varsity letters, symbols, a phrase from Wittgenstein in the original German, the number of people you’ve slept with, the secret ingredient in your mother’s most closely held recipe, and an excerpt from the nuclear codes of a foreign country.
The password you chose is not secure. Wittgenstein never said that. Would you like the Heaven e-queue system to suggest a password that is strong, secure, and self-possessed yet not arrogant?
Your new username and password have been created. Return to the original log-in screen and start over using this new account information.
You left the password field blank.
I know you didn’t choose the new password yourself! I know I suggested it for you! You’re still supposed to memorize it! Yes, it was four hundred and eighty-nine characters long, but this is Heaven! Very secure!
No worries. Click “Forgot password you just forced on me.” We will e-mail you a log-in link.
You are provisionally logged into our system. You are now required to set up two-step verification so that no one else can steal your place in Heaven. Every time that you log in to the system, we will call your aunt Louisa in Minnesota and ask her to call your sister to tell her to text you a six-digit code. You will divide this code in half, always rounding up, and enter it here.
Louisa didn’t answer. Would you like to try an alternate form of verification?
O.K., please enter one of the special recovery codes that we mailed to your house when you were twelve and that we very clearly told you to bury in your back yard or a park. If you cannot locate your special recovery codes, click here.
You are very naughty, aren’t you? That’s O.K. We get all kinds, even here. As a last resort for verifying your identity, please enter your mother’s maiden name and, in five hundred words or less, your analysis of how her childhood traumas, in turn, shaped yours.
Thank you for verifying your identity. However, as a final step, we need to confirm that you’re an actual human being. Please identify all the pictures below of boats that a Russian oligarch would purchase and want to be seen in.
You included a thirty-five-foot yacht in your selection. No Russian oligarch would be caught dead in a thirty-five-foot yacht, even with the sanctions. Please try again. This time, select all images featuring outfits from the French historical period known as La Belle Époque.
All the images that you selected were correct, but you didn’t select all of the correct images. You failed to notice that, as you were selecting images, they were disappearing and being replaced with new images, some of which contained additional instances of Belle Époque clothing. You neglected to select some of these replacement images. For your final attempt, we’ll go easy on you. Please select all images of Meghan and Harry that make you feel exhausted by them.
Congratulations! You are now fully logged in to the Heaven e-queue. Would you like to sign up for Face ID so that you can bypass this login when you want to check on your application status?
To sign up for Face ID, please enter your Apple username and password.
You don’t know your Apple password?
Go to Hell. ♦